Defending

Defending……wonder why a soldier would always take this pose? It’s really simple, they have to always be on guard and they need to be alert for any danger ahead. They always focus a hundred percent when they are on guard and they fight their hearts out for the country. Their ears would try to catch the slightest sounds made and their eyes would try to catch the slightest movement around their perimeter. Soldiers would give their lives to defend their country though it means killing others for their own. Has anyone wondered how would a soldier look like when they cry? They are strong, bold and they are fearless in our eyes but actually inside they are as vulnerable as anyone of us would be on the battle grounds only difference is they are well-trained and they are taught the military basics.

Sometimes I feel I’m like a soldier…I have so much to defend and so much I can’t. Most of the time I feel like I’m driven by the influence of the people around me especially those who are close to me. Sometimes soldiers would act rashly when he sees his own companion in danger or in need of help, like the same I would and I believe everyone would act rashly sometimes to defend others and even ourselves. Defending means putting others or something we think is much more important than ourselves behind us and we act as the ’shield’ to protect them/it from whatever harm. When a soldier breaks down, most probably they had lost a dear companion or general or even their country because they failed to defend it.

Looking at these photos made me wonder……what if I was that soldier who broke down and cry because I failed to defend something I hold dear. What would that feel like? But I’m not the soldier who couldn’t defend her own country…I’m the soldier who couldn’t defend her sibling and her friends. Hahahahaha……yup, I couldn’t. When so often you’re placed directly in between of two people you tend to find yourself contradicting your own words and you find it hard to side either one. I would never want to look at this scenario and have to ask myself…”Who is right? Who should I defend? Why am I stuck in between again…?” It’s so frustrating when you feel like as if you couldn’t tell both what is really happening and how to explain it in a way they wouldn’t feel offended. Some words said can’t be erased or wiped away.

It’s not that I’m facing a major crisis or I’m really stuck in a sticky situation but it’s just that I have this problem. This problem is like a little disease that would come and go off as it likes which every time it makes me thorn apart. But I don’t have to face life and death, I just have to face the arguments around me and I really hate it when my family would speak-ill of my friends and vice versa. As much as I want to defend both, I couldn’t. Some words I wish I could impart to both of them but, it’s better left the way it is. Outside the walls of my house I would defend my entire family from anyone…anyone at all, and inside the walls of my own house I would defend all my friends from anyone at all too. It’s only natural I would defend them…it’s not that I’m taking sides it’s just I can’t defend one and leave the other. It’s also pretty confusing sometimes just thinking about who is speaking the truth or who should I believe.

Some words I really wish I could take back and left it unsaid but too late…my mouth went faster than my mind did. When I loose focus or have too much to think I would loose control of what I would say and that has been what’s happening lately since trials. My mood swings are going even crazier nowadays and maybe subconsciously stress is knocking at my door. Oh crap……get out!!!! I’m the kind that would mumble about a lot of things and often when people ask for help I would look reluctant to give but I’ll end up giving it anyway…habit I guess…it’s not that I wanted to complain or anything…I just acted the way I did because I was affected by the both of you……You haven’t noticed now did you?haizz……anyway maybe all of you would be reading this and go “har???? What is she babbling about?” Never mind…I was just too down that’s why I needed to babble about it some where……sorry darling blog…

Listening to ne-yo and HSM2 at the same time……so think about it…have you ever wanted to defend something or somebody but couldn’t??? Let me give you a piece of advise……don’t speak a word…when you feel like you need to defend something, defend it but not by words by actions…..Sometimes we do alot of things that doesn't need an explaination and we are driven by the people we hold dear.We often look at them with eyes that are trying to convey something that you just couldn't say it aloud and you are like making a silent plea asking and praying that they would know it or felt it at least...But all in all...just leave things be,God'll deliver the divine moment when our thoughts should be heard......make sense????yes??no??never mind………