Unforgivenss

Fimiliar word rite? Unforgiveness. It sounds so dark, so hissy, so painful. I'm no saint and I do struggle with this. It takes me some time to be able to forgive someone and I'll admit it is never easy, not easy at all. Maybe if the problem was smaller, then we might forgive faster but if it's bigger then maybe we'll take some time. Time..it goes by quickly enough to soothe our aching hearts and hopefully mend things in the process.

Unforgiveness, it's no stranger to us, definitely not to me. We don't want to forgive but we want to be forgiven. Greedy people, aren't we? And sometimes, most of the time..we do forgive but do we forget so easily? These are the constant questions that would ring in our heads when we come across this intersection so very often. It's a hard struggle to forgive and to obtain forgiveness, so much so that either way it bruises us.

During the sermon yesterday, my church elder spoke about unforgiveness and I think God wanted me to hear that. Unforgiveness is like a black hole, it will continue to grow and destroy in us. Of course not forgiving others is one thing that is hard to get rid of but not forgiving ourselves is an even harder task to be rid of. There are so many aspects of this and one of the psychological aspect is that those who don't forgive themselves are obviously so guilty that they can't let themselves be free of that bondage.

Most of us would think that not forgiving ourselves would merely effect us only and it would only damage ourselves but actually that balck hole is not only eating us away, it's destroying the people around us as well. We think that not forgiving ourselves is also a form of punishment we tie ourselves to but that is what we tie to those around us as well. Not that we ask them to share it with us but being human..they'll come to us to aid us and willing suffer with us.

I've been doing really really stupid things for a long time now and I think I didn't bother noticing it till yesterday. When we corner ourselves to a death sentence, we're bringing those around us with us. It's a black hole that knows not control of who it damages..When all along I thought I was hurting myself only, I was actually hurting others..the ones I held dear. Unforgiveness results when we fail to convince ourselves to let go and to start over.

Letting go is very hard and I agree it's not something easy. And it can be anything we refuse to let go..someone, an incident, a thing, a word..anything at all. Unforgiveness is actually cornering ourselves and setting ourselves without options. Truth is...we're the ones digging n growing that black hole. It's us..we're the ones who have blinded all our senses to be unforgiving for the sake of not letting go. In lay terms..that's being really stubborn! And, I'm really stubborn..so it's definitely not easy for me.

It's a grudge also..it's like we're holding a fist so tight and refusing to relax and to open it. So untill when are we holding that fist? Are we so hardened not to try to let go? Is this really final?As hard as it seems..as painful as it really is..did God create us not to try at all? These are the questions that rings in my head, what are yours?