Me, myself and I..

For some funny reason, talking to Rach and Mel today made me think about myself. I don't know why, but I suddenly started evaluating myself. I traced every inch of myself back to my childhood and to the present again.

I can be quite the day dreamer sometimes and when my mind travels along the many thoughts and memories, I just get all these mixed up emotions. It can be pretty frustrating and taxing sometimes. But most of the times, I can't help but smile at the wrongs and rights I did. If there was a way I could tell my younger self how I'd look like from the eyes of the now older me, I'd bet it'd be eye opening.

"I should have.." This is definitely not a foreign sentence to me. What makes me more frustrated and worked up is the fact that I don't know and I won't know what happens after every single thing I do. There's so many times there are things I just can't gage what will happen and when it blows in my face, I wished and wished I had seen that.

How I keep forgeting that God always provides and guides me. He turns my hopelessness into hopeful situation and He turns my downs up. I don't ever think there was once that He never intervened in my 'crisis' turning it into a platform of testimony. Maybe not knowing everything sometimes is God's way of making us rely on Him more.

I think God is just waiting for the day when I will just stop thinking of the outcome and rely on Him to put everything into place. How many stupid times a day did I try to play God in my own life. How many stupid times a day did I use the word 'I' instead of 'Him'.

Looking at that long list of wrongs made realize that those were the times and the moments when I failed to seek God and rely on Him to guide me. It was not the absence of my judgement or my cleverness, it was merely the absence of HIM in me.

"I'm in that place once again..And once again I look upon the cross where You died, I'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken inside. Once again I thank You.."