I spent the entire of last year getting myself through things, schedules, routines and my life like it was robotic and pretty much numb. I keep thinking that there is something I missed or I shouldn't have let it pass me by.

Holidays is becoming something I actually dread. I can't believe I'm saying this but somehow, it just seems too slow. I wonder why or when I started to love the rush of a busy and hectic schedule. I'm sure I'll regret not enjoying my holidays more now when I'm working in the future.

2010 was a year of utter breakthrough filled with both the good and the bad. Most importantly it was a year of unending freshness. I've never experienced so many new things and I've never had a more tearful year. The tears have been shed over and over again and now.. it's finally stopped and it freaks me out.

The worst fear is not knowing the fact that I can't change things, but knowing that I have stopped to care and that I have given up. I can't shake this feeling off and it scares me to know that I can actually turn my mind off. Not that it's not a good thing; it's a good break to shut off my mind but I'm afraid that I have kept it off for too long that I'm now immune and numb.

So afraid that it makes my body shiver.. Seeing but truly seeing, knowing but not shaken, fearing but not at all moved.

I have finally admitted it. My defeat.