Family Affairs

Ah...weekends. Time to laze about for a while. Exams had come and gone already and yet I didn't get any papers back from my lecturers. I don't think I did well and if I don't pass then most probably my scholarship will be revoked. Sounds stressful eh?? Hahaha... truth is it's actually scary rather than stressful but somehow I'm not too worried bout it, for now at least. =p

Ivan seems to be recovering fast since his appetite is overly excessive this week. Thank God that he's fine but it does aches our hearts to see this boy even skinnier than he already is. Well good for Ivan that he's out of the hospital but my grandpa is still in there.

I was there to visit him with my mom and dad on Sunday night and he seemed really weak and haggard. A normal person would feel worried and most of the time our hearts would ache to see our loved ones in such a state; I was feeling like that but the moment I entered the room all these feelings just vanished almost instantly.

'The Lady' was there again. She didn't even bother to step out, all she did was cutting grapes and feeding it to my grandpa. I hated the fact that she was treating us like we're invisible. I don't hate her to an extent where I wish she would die or something but I just feel agitated and mad. After 10 minutes or so, my dad just stalked out of the room. My mom and I followed him and we knew we couldn't bring ourselves back into that room.

The next day we came again because we were informed that my grandpa was to do an operation to remove the infected part of his intestines. I didn't go up to the room but stayed with Ivan in Domes. My grandma said we shouldn't bring the sick to met the sick so Ivan was so call banned from going in. Not like we could care anyway. While we were eating I saw that lady sitting in front of the reception table just outside looking in at me and Ivan.

She looked like as if we had ill-treated her, I stopped eating to look at her and she quickly turned away. I think for the first time I believe that some people are fated to look at each other with hatred and rejection. I did ask myself over and over again, why am I so agitated by her?

On Tuesday, Edmund went with my mom to visit my grandpa and I stayed behind cause I was too tired after college. When Ed came back he smiled and looked like he had so much to tell me. Seems that he was in my grandpa's room but came out after a short while and waited in the reception area. He purposely sat in front of the lady. Ed has a way of annoying and saying things to really wound someone, which I will not go in detail as to what he did.

We really pity our grandma as she had to put up with a man like my grandpa for so many years. The worst part is that my 2nd and 3rd uncle instead of defending their mother and chucking the 'lady' out, they and their wives were the ones who had allowed her to come to care for my grandpa. In fact they had been visiting this lady's home when my grandpa was staying there every alternate week.

My dad is the only son who is standing on his mom's side instead of his dad's. Not that I'm trying to say that my dad's a hero but he's the only son who did stand by my grandma. I mean, how do you think a woman would feel to find that her sons are supporting her husbands affair? How are us,the children suppose to respect you people now??? I really feel like punching both my uncles in the face.

My aunties are against having that lady around but they don't really dare to say much against my uncle. My dad is the oldest son and though he is, he can't do much for my grandma. Very often my dad and their elder sister got into fierce arguements with my 2nd uncle but nothing constructive happened from it. This family is already pretty broken since long ago but I guess it just totally fell apart now.

It may be wrong of me to think this way, but I am only human after all. I simply can't stand the fact that there are outsiders calling my grandfather 'dad' or 'grandpa'. Me and Ed were saying, if one day my uncles have affairs and they end up having two families instead of one, we'd go up to their wives and seriously rub it in their faces. Let's see how you would feel if your husbands kept his mistress around till the day he's on his death bed!?

This week is one that is really packed.Exams were one of it and the next thing is my little brother,Ivan got dengue.He was hospitalized in Gleneagles.Poor thing,he had fever since last Friday and was warded on Tuesday after the second blood test.So the entire week all of us have been travelling from work/college to the hospital then back home then to the hospoital again.

We weren't too worried cause dengue is not something to be so alarmed off but we were really worried sick when he vomited blood on Thursday.Seems that he hasn't been able to eat a lot because he doesn't feel well enough and that made his stomach turn very acidic.His stomach walls turn very red according to the scope he did and the walls of his stomach had a small rupture which is where the blood he vomited came from.My dad scared me to death when I called to check on Ivan and it was just before my Econs paper!

Then after a while,my mom called and then I recieved the next piece of news.My grandfather(dad's side) is also hospitalized in the same hospital.My grandfather was admitted because his stomach didn't feel well and seems that there's an infection.It was just a weird day and some what unlucky.All my realatives came,both my mom and dad's side.His room was packed with people but he was too miserable to be bothered by them,hahaha.Anyway,Ivan's discharged and he's doing much better now though he still looks very miserable.

I'm not close to my grandfather and I wasn't really too concerned.When I came from college to visit him I was a bit shocked to see him much thinner and haggard looking.He seemed very lonely though he had Edmund's company.Then only I felt very sorry for him.However...I was informed by my mom that yesterday before Ivan was discharged,she went to my grandfather's room to see how he was doing and found his room to be packed with people.My mom felt awkward to be in there and just left after 5 minutes or so.As my mom left she heard the people say"Whose that lady who called you dad just now?"

At first I didn't get what my mom was trying to tell me.I looked at her and said,"Your point is..?" She just said, "Carmen,your already so big and you still don't understand?" Then only I understood.Those people in that room were my grandfather's second family.In other words,it's my grandfather's second wife and kids.

It made me really angry and agitated.After studying law for 4 months now I am very sure that bigamy is illegal!!!As much as I pity my grandfather,this is something I can never forgive him.In fact,this is something I can't forgive both my grandfathers!According to my dad there was nearly a big fight between the two families yesterday.Even amongst my uncles and aunts,there's some stupid family politics going on.

Haizz....I really hate to be involved but then again what choice do I have?I know everyone else has their own set of family problems and I do not mean to make mine sound like the end of the earth or something but seriously who could stand his grandfather having two families,two wives, two sets of children, grandchildren (and even great grandchildren now!) and act like it's no big deal!?

Tagging

A total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.


1. What are you craving now?
Nothing in particular.I just ate...But I think I'm up for basketball or my storybooks.

2. What was the last movie you've watched?
Forbiden Kingdom. It was amazingly better than expected and it was funny too.

3. If you were to be stranded on a desert island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you?
I would have to go with my two best friends.DUH!

Well, Jia Rong is one of the people I know who would not complain and whine about the situation but would try to solve it before anything else.She can be accountable for many things and it's not bad to have her around to try to divise a plan to get out of this freaking island.

Jane is must as well...she can cook which means our problem of straving to death is taken care of and besides who would stop laughing when Jane's around?

Third person????hmm... I would say maybe my elder brother,Edmund.He's a real pain most of the time but when it comes to solving problems I think I can work it out with him.He's sometimes really annoying but hey we're family and we've been in real sticky situations together though along the solving process we screamed and yelled at each other but we two do come up with good ideas together.

4. What are you most happy with now?
My new computer =p

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?
To have those around me running to reach theirs as well.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Yes,hahaha...I'm the kind of person that likes to think and believe that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?
The ones I hold dear and the ones I love

8. Why are you wasting your time to do this?
Hahaha...I haven't update my blog in a while and I got tagged by Jia Rong.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
Let things run the way they are and if it was meant to be and if it is God's plan then why not?Go with the flow...

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
MUAHAHAHA....hmm...
a) She is very talented in music and she's my real long lost twin.

b) She is crazy,funny and whacky. The one who can speak what's inside me and the one who can manipulate me the most ahahahaha....(in a good way)

c) She is unique and pretty.Definitely weird and wonderful...she can drive you up the wall!but she's really fun and comfortable to be with.

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
Wah,this is not such an easy question.Hahaha...hmm...my other half?Well,erm of course I want him to be romantic,funny,spotting,out-spoken,sensitive,active,good in sports,understanding,God-fearing and plenty more.But I would definitely want my other half to be a Christian.Hahahaha...still it's just what I want not what I'll have so God...lead the way!

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?
Hate?Can't really define it but I'm definitely not a saint either,so I do dislike certain people but so far God seems to prove my judgements wrong.The ones I so call hate turns out to be really someone I can really have fun with and besides hating someone takes a lot of strength,so why should I waste such strength???

13. What is your ambition?
A psychologist.

14. If you have fault, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?
The truth hurts but I would rather know it.How else can I learn from them and grow to be a better person?We make mistakes but we can learn to stop making the same mistake.

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
Will power and love

16. Are you a shopaholic or not?
HAHAHAHA....shopping is pretty impossible for me.

17. Find a word to describe the person who tagged you
Twin

18. What will you do when someone faints in front of you?
Panic for a second and try to get help.

19. What makes you different?
Not a clue...you tell me.

20. (edited question) What is the most memorable event that happened to you lately?
I have no idea what was the original question but anyway,i think the most memorable event was seeing my youngest uncle getting enganged.IT WAS SO SWEET!


I tag:
everyone on my link list!!!

Thank You...

This is one of those times again when I wish I could find the right words to say. But I think the most suitable one know would be thank you. Thank you and sorry as well. I'm not sure if I had finally found out the mistake I made but as much as I am sure, this is one of them. I make mistakes, yes yes...here comes the phrase 'we all make mistakes', which sometimes I wished my stupid character wouldn't but hahaha....we all have to learn a great deal of 'something' right?

It's not easy to find out what mistakes a person can make and sometimes not knowing isn't exactly bliss.Talking it out is obviously the best advice others can give but is it all that simple?Not that I don't want one....I WANT ONE CHANCE!I mean to talk that is..but sometimes we tend to have nothing to say or at least nothing can be said.

I remember a few friends asked me this question before, "why do you care so much?" I really wished I knew then I wouldn't even be stuck here now,now would I?Not that it's any BIG problem but I know if nothing is done soon..I dunno know what is it gonna be like from now on.Lord,help me...guide me through this.TEACH ME....I need you Lord.

Haizz...Goodness...what kind of post am I posting on this blog nowadays????Oh well...thank you again.I only wish there's something else I could do to apologize...

Old Friend :)

I went to visit an old friend today. It’s been 7 years since I did. There’s just so much about my life which I really wanted to tell her, even the tiniest detail. Something did separate the both of us and ever since then I didn’t look for her again. I hastily moved on, trying to forget she had meant so much more than a friend but as a dear sister. She’s one of those that can see me through and through. She never fails to know what’s on my mind and she just always knows when I need a hug or a listening ear or even something to cheer me up.

There’s no need to neither say nor emphasize why we parted ways, it’s no longer important anyway. I met her way back when we were kids and have been close to her since then. She was considered my first best friend. Sometimes when I look at her I realize she is always the one that will help me out of sticky situations and even stupid ones but what did I ever do for this friend? Did I ever do something for her before? Was I even accountable for her? Such questions kept swirling in my head. Come to think of it... I don't even have a picture of me and her together. Oh, well... I'll just picture it in my head then.

When I saw her, the tears just suddenly weld up. She sure would whack me on the head and say “Silly! What are you crying about?” In the end, I can’t keep them in any longer and just let it flow out as I spoke. I spent as much time with her as I could and told her as much as I could. She’s the type that would smile and listen to me mumble through my conversation without interruption. I told her about my family, my uncles and aunties on both sides and my grandparents, church, my secondary school years, the two best friends God blessed me with, my UPSR, PMR and SPM results along with all the reactions I had for each, my all so long winded love life, the college I’m studying in and the new and nice friends I’ve made, my youngest uncle getting married and more than anything about myself.

I bet she would have guessed that I’m interested in Psychology and would most probably go for it after my A-Levels. She would most probably either go for engineering or Mas Comm or maybe medicine. In telling her all the good news, I had wanted to skip the bad ones but I did tell her in the end as well. Its funny when I do tell her things like that, it’s like I’m being made fine again. I told her just so much today… even the stupid little arguments I had with my family and with my friends.

She has her way of encouraging me like she always used to last time and one of the things she’ll always tell me is “It’s okay, don’t give up. Sometimes when we try too hard we will only make things worst, so just let things be and somehow it’ll work out. It might take a while but it will work out. It’s okay not to understand why. It’s Daddy’s way of making us grow stronger and wiser. When you feel you don’t know what to do or don’t know what to say just tell Daddy and He’ll help you. Don’t corner yourself because of one mistake or even a lot of mistakes. Don’t always put others before you and worry about them till you forgot about yourself. When we do something wrong just say sorry to Daddy and ask Him to help you to find a way to tell that person sorry as well. Come on, smile… It’s alright. It’s going to be okay… and remember, keep going! Work hard for what you want and never give up.”

She’s always very mature even when she was only 11. Sometimes I wonder if she feels like she’s talking to a kid when she talks to me. Those words never did make much sense to me then as it does now. Despite all the problems and heaviness in me, what she said made me feel lighter and the sense that I can finally put down some of the heavy baggage I carried with me. I did hesitate a lot whether I should visit this old friend but in the end I did and I’m ever so glad for it.

As I walked away from that reunion, I turned back to look at her with a smile. I knew she did smile back at me too… and some part of me knew that she whispered me another encouragement as I went off. It’s truly bitter sweet but I’m really happy that God allowed me this short but sweet reunion. As I walked further and further away I stopped and I looked up at the sky thanking Him for this and everything else but most importantly for this wonderful old friend. Thank you Lord for allowing our paths to have met :)


I’ll miss you…and you’ll always be in my heart, now and forever.

There are times...

There are times when we wished we knew what to do, we don't know.

There are times when we wished we could turn back, we can't.

There are times when we discover the truth, we are strucked by pain.

There are times when we want to start over, we don't know how to try again.

There are times when we feel useless, we can't do a thing.

There are times when we need to speak up, we are at loss of words.

There are times when we hope we could smile, we put on a mask.

There are times when we want to believe, we loose all hope.

There are times when we wished for some miracle, nothing happens.

There are times when we need to close our eyes, they can't seem to close.

There are times when we stopped dead in our tracks, we can't move on.

There are times when we don't have an answer, we are left to wait.

There are times when we can only watch, we feel pathetic.

There are times when we want to turn away, we can't stop looking back.

There are times when we want to keep running, we loose all energy.

There are times when we want to find, we loose track of it.

There are times when we wished we could be numb, we seem to feel it all.

There are times when we cry, we can't sense anything anymore.

There are times when we can't breathe, we feel the weight all over us.

There are times when we are lost, we can't find our way back.



There are times when all I could do is to keep breathing... what else can I do?

Family

Family. One of the words we learnt to use and say when we are very little. What does the word family really hold in meaning? People that has blood relations with us and people who have similar genes as us. People who live in the same house as us and has been with us ever since day one of our lives. Is that it? Is that all this word holds??

Yesterday during dinner, all of us were actually in a good mood and we're having fun eating steamboat in Times Square. All our topics were just the usual until Uncle Alex commented on my brother(elder) not driving and saying that he left his license to rot in the corner. That started some debate and my dad joined in. It was turned out to be a fierce confrontation between my brother and my dad. My brother and my dad have the exact characteristics... It was as the Chinese saying 'a mixture of oil and water'. It loosely translates to two people not being able to click together.

My dad and my brother since long ago had never been able to be on agreeable terms for a lot topics. Both of them can never loose to the other when it comes to a open confrontation and it was of course something hard to bear for all of us who were there. My mom and I joined in to make peace but it only got worse and end up my brother started crying and Ivan being the youngest couldn't handle all of us. He cried and sobbed silently while patting my elder borther's back. The room was so tense and it was hard to bear. Both of them became very unreasonable and acted so childishly. In the end my dad just stalked out of the room.

My brother can be very defensive and that is what makes my dad so angry at times, my dad on the other hand is unreasonable at times and he hates to loose. I was defending my brother at first because my dad started making unreasonable statements and did not try to understand from my brother's stand point. Then after a while my brother started to speak unreasonably as well which was making everyone uneasy. It was pointless as they kept arguing...

Family... when they fight you still have to stand by them. Though they are wrong or right you'll still be there to support them. As much as we hate things done their way we still stood by them. It's family, right? Blood is thicker than water, though we always fail to agree on everything or fail to understand each other properly, we can't ever turn away from them without a single glance back. When it's getting tense, we hang on in there; when it's becoming unreasonable, we try to make sense; when it's crumbling, we try to mend it and all in all that's what all of us have been trying to do. We try to do something to change things despite we know the possible outcome.

I kept quiet until my dad stalked off. I couldn't stand it so I just sort of told my brother off. My mom was crying even more as she keeps complaining bout the two of them and mostly bout my dad. Ivan just couldn't help but crying while patting my brother's back and mine. I wanted to cry so much as well but I couldn't let myself. I kept thinking that I had to be strong, I have to control myself, I can't breakdown as well. I just kept on holding the tears and after a while the urge to cry stopped. Everyone felt weird sitting in there and the atmosphere was totally ruined.

I hate family confrontations like that cause all of us will be sore for a while and it effects others. I pity Ivan the most, the youngest but caught in the middle of such stupid arguements. It's going to be hard to endure the week with the two looking like that. Goodness, your both adults, think of others before you start stupid fights like that. Lord, please help minister to them and spare all of us from further arguements.