Observe

Observing...something that a day dreamer like me would enjoy doing.Have you ever tried lounging at a cafe enjoying a nice drink whilst watching the life theater from the window sit.What would that feel like?What would you,the watcher make of the roles laid out before that wide screen in front of you?Would you watch with curiosity as each roles?Would you watch enviuosly?Or would you watch dreamily?

Observing...it's a job,scientist are paid and they want to observe all that changes or stays the same in a research to discover new technology or cures for diseases or even an understanding that they lack.

Observing...a really time wasting activity.It's so boring that one would just get fed up of looking at things,people and the world..But think about it,if given the time and by chance you really end up at a cafe for hours by the window sit or just on a bench in a park,shopping complex or even in a public area any where...What would observing the life theater be like for you?

For me,I have to agree that it is a really boring thing but I also have to admit it's funny to just once in a while play the role of the watcher.You get to see how people are when they are rushing to work,when they are just walking around the shopping complex,when they are waiting for someone,when they look sad,happy,angry,confused,frustrated,nuetral or just plain bored,when they are talking to friends or anyone,when they are on the phone and so much more.

Really boring eh?Well,it is but come to think of it,God made all of us so unique that we rarely see the exact expression or reaction everyone has.I remember I once laughed out when I saw a little boy playing by himself while waiting for his mom to finish with whatever she's doing.The reason I laughed is because that little boy tried in so many ways and so many times in fact to run from the same spot his mom made him stand but his mom would still catch him any how.For him,that is the worst torture...To WAIT.

A normal person or let's just say normally people would say that kid is just naughty or he's just bored of doing things he least wants to do or he is very playful.I had the same thoughts on my mind but after a long while of staring and onserving I noticed that the little boy more than trying to run off and play he actually wanted to get his mom's attention.He knows by standing there and waiting won't get him anywhere or anything,so he uses action to speak for him.

Still in our minds,that kid is naughty and mischievous,which I do not disagree but has it occur to us that sometimes when we fail to observe,we miss out on what is actully happening?Yes,that little boy is childish in his ways of seeking attention but think about this,it was hard to know what his true intentions are by just a glance,isn't it?If it was hard to guess what that little boy was trying to do,then what about guessing what a grown up is actually up to?What about knowing what is it our family,spouse or friends are trying to do?

Being humans,we tend to hide things but sometimes we do want to open up which is hard because we don't know what to start up a conversation for such a topic or what does one do to get our close ones to notice that we want to talk.Of course we should just speak up and tell them but we just get so reluctant...I can get really impatient sometimes and very temperamental but I will regret more for not noticing sometimes the obvious signs the ones close to me are showing.It's like a policeman dissing a distress call.

But...sometimes despite our truly self fish nature whether by accident or on purpose,God often gives us a secong chance to try again.We might not and are not expected to be there for them 24/7 but sometimes being human also,we could try to observe those around us.Maybe by being there or just talking to them can help them or at least ease their worries rooted so deep within.

We don't play heroes,life savers or God..we just paly the role of a human, self fish and also humane enough to care.It's not like we need to put up a radar or anything but just try to notice off and on,that's more than enough I think.

Another quote;
People that discovers a cure,their called scientists;Poeple that rescues the distressed,their called policemen;People that fought for the injustice,their called lawyers;People that where there for you...their called FRIENDS.

February 19..Happy Birthday Carmen~

Haha,yes I'm telling the world it's my birthday today.It was fun today,I had 3 different cakes today.Okay let's start from last night at 11:30...I was doing my literature assignment since 8.*sob sob*....Dr. Shalini wanted it to be 4 pages long and yes,it really killed all my brain cells to come up with it.

Suddenly....*tit tit* I got the first birthday wish from Melia and from this moment all the sms started flooding in. I had to delete old messages to make way for it!It was fun to receive them but I was sorta distracted and I end up finishing my assignment only at 12:30.Hahaha...just before that I saw Ivan still awake and not in bed yet so I asked him,more like ordered him to go to bed for school but then he replied me "No...I'm waiting for the clock to strike 12 so I can wish you happy birthday." Hahahaha...yes,I have the sweetest brother.

Wen Jo was the last to message at night or at least the last message I read before I fly off to slumber land.The rest that came in....was so late that I didn't bother till the next day.Sorry ya...Okay,woke up at 6 then I got ready for college.When I reached the entrance to the main building I saw a familiar figure standing there,Ying.She smiled at me as she saw me approaching,I looked at her,puzzled.She just wished me happy birthday and like an escort,she accompanied me to the student lounge.Hahaha...at first I thought she was waiting for someone else but,aw...she was waiting for me.

The day proceeded with a lot of birthday wishes from a lot of people which I was sure I didn't tell and I didn't even know them personally.Weird...I had double periods of Literature which was mortifying,Shonna and the rest was bullying me(I'll leave out the details here),then dear Kavita announced out loud,"Don't bully her!It's her birthday today,come on.."Everyone was like "OMG, Happy Birthday!"and Dr Shalini interrupted by saying, "Yes,yes..Happy Birthday,now can get back to Friel please?"

After the 2 mortifying hours (finally!) Lit finished.I walked to the lounge and I saw Ying and Krystal coming out for their Chem class and I was met by Wen Jo.She seemed extra peculiar and weird today.I sorta start to feel my theory of a surprise was not wrong.hmm...Wen Jo asked me to give her some comments on her dress borrowed from Cassandra.Then for the rest of our free period she was acting really weird.

By our break time,Ying came in and Jo went out..hmm...getting warmer!I was suspecting since a while ago (a really long while ago as in weeks ago) then Krystal came in and Yoong Jie has been like Jo sort of watching me.Then Lo and Behold!TADA!!!!!!!!!!My birthday cake came in, a big one.I was even more surprised I saw a lot of people coming in.WAH!Marcus came in with the cake and everyone was singing me a birthday song.I was totally blown away by that.

Philip was like my camera man,he kept snapping photos and taking videos though that didn't make people like Ying and Jo too happy cause they don't like taking pictures but they didn't mind,hahahaha...only for today,only for mua!so perasan..yes..I know.I got presents and a hand made card which is so precious!

Wen Jo gave me a drawing and she,Ying and Yoong Jie got me a hand bracelet,Ying gave me a very sweet and long letter(the most precious of all) and Marcus got me a necklace with a butterfly pendant.Hahahaha...I was showered with warmth and all of their love.I was like some princess.It was really memorable but the most random moment was still during IELTS,Ai Ching yelled my name out from her seat and I looked at her in response,guess what she did...she sang out loud..'Happy birthday to you..."then everyone else followed.The entire class sang and I was feeling overwhelmed and also shy.I'm utterly speechless at my college mates for being so sweet.

The entire day I was receiving all the messages and phone calls non-stop from my school mates who never forget that it was my special day.It was like a bit surreal to know so many celebrated my birthday with me and so many gave their best wishes to me.Overwhelming and just in awe.

After playing basketball,I went for a nice drink with Jo n Marcus.Then I went home as my mom and aunt has been calling and rushing me to get to their office quick as they have a Tiramisu waiting for me.I had cakes the entire day,my mom's employee all sung me a birthday song too and today was the first time I had such a birthday where I got not one but 3 cakes and I got so many people's wishes which was some what unfamiliar to me.

The entire day was full of laughter and packed with wonderful and memorable memories.Despite it was really a very happy day for me,I really and truly only wanted one thing..but not all wishes and dreams come true,rite.Hahaha....I'm greedy eh?I already got a great surprise and everything but some part of me felt it wasn't complete.I had really hoped that somehow it could happen but oh,well maybe next year then.For saying this I know it pains those who did so much today but I wanted to come clean with the truth.I had a blast but it just wasn't complete,it's no big deal,it's just a birthday only.

I can want all that I desire and I am grateful for everything that I do have and have received.It's priceless what you people did for me.Thank you so much!I'm very happy and just blessed.Yes,yes...I'm older already and yes I'm whatever you all said..happy?
Oh well...Happy Birthday Carmen.

I'll Be, Edwin McCain

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Chorus
I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be love suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache, that hang from above

Repeat Chorus

I've been dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, Remembered the things that you said

Repeat Chorus

Passer-by

Was there ever a time when you wanted to tell someone something but you never got to it because of 'circumstances'?I agree that it happens too often and most of the time it happens nearly everyday.I'm, not trying to give any one a hint or anything but the thought just passed my mind.

We see it in movies so often and most of the time things take a very unpredictable turn when the truth or at least the heart felt of the other is not said.Why am I posting this?*sigh*It's just that I'm begining to notice a lot of people around me found a difficulty in telling someone what's on their minds.Sometimes looking at them makes me ask myself if I had anything that I really wanted to say and I couldn't...Then I will start to notice that I do feel the ache of not being able to say it.

Yea,I have to also agree that this is a very dicey affair,one wrong word and you can damage someone for good.It's kinda funny how powerful words can be sometimes.They say actions speaks louder than words but sometimes I think words are worst off then actions.Just with words we can either make or break someone.We constantly debate with the inner us; 'say'....'don't say'.

It seems like this is making our lives just a whole lot more complicated and it tends to take a tonne of strength and happiness from us.I don't know bout you,but I have seen a lot of them...theirs eyes are screaming a message, a plea of help but they couldn't get it across.When we tend to go all emo it shows in our eyes but I'm talking bout those who every second of the day is wearing a mask so well that they leave all their emotions undetected.It's weird when humans find speaking hard,they'll tend to speak with their eyes.

Everyone does obviously but there are some that really conceals all their pain in them.For me,I find it painful to see someone like that.I know there's a plea,sadness in them but so often I'm not the one to say anything to comfort them.I had no right....but sometimes seeing them like that really makes my heart aches.Sometimes being a passer-by isn't easy,we feel like stretching our hand to say,"Hey,it's hard but would you let me help you where ever I can?"

Humans are just the most unpredictable and hard to get,we tend to feel the pain of those around us and we feel stupid and just useless when knowing there's nothing we can do.Breaking the truth is painful but not doing anything is as painful.Picture this,a doctor tells you this as you wait outside the emergency ward,"I'm sorry but I'm afraid there's nothing more we could do.There isn't anymore that you can do,all you can do now is wait and prepare yourself for the worst..."

Another random quote;
We shed tears,feel hurt and despair when we know the ultimate 'truth';we only watch helplessly from a distance not being of any use to know those who are dear to us are aching with unspeakable sorrow...

Okay,this is really embarrassing...I was on the phone with Isabel as I was walking to the balcony where I can see the basketball court.There was a lecturer standing there but he never taught me so I didn't exactly know who he is.Isabel was telling me bout the basketball club and I asked her which teacher was in charge.She said it was the accounts lecturer,and guess what I blurted out aloud????"Accounts teacher?I dunno whose the accounts teacher..."

Lo and Behold,the lecturer next to me spoke,"I'm the accounts lecturer.Are you looking for me?"I was stunned and I felt like a total nut.Isabel heard on the other end and began to roar with laughter.Sorry,sir!He was laughing too...I was like totally lost and dumb.Oh well,good way to meet someone,don't cha think???hahahahahahahaha!!!!

It's the 13th of February...wow,it's Valentine's tommorow.hmm....wonder what should I get for my friends...what should I get for you,Rong??hahaha,I know you will say nothing though.It's been a while since I last met you,wonder have you changed or something.But I have a feeling you'll answer me "same old same old.."

Wen Jo and Xin Ying said they and Marcus got me something for Valentine's,I wonder what are the three up to.Nothing mischievous ya,hahaha...well gotta go!

I'm just at lost of words.Haizz...during Pre-U yesterday,dunno why someone nominated me to run for the Freshie Queen award on Orientation Ball nite.I was stunned when I saw my name on the board and all I know is one action>>>JAW DROP!OMG!WHAT!?I least expected such things,but oh well,can't do anything bout it...haizz...9 more days till OB nite.Haizzz

Oh,Valentine's Day is just around the corner!Happy Be-early Valentine's everyone!!!!!May you find your other half/soul mate that day.My dear brother came back from Cambodia yesterday and when I walked into my own room,I found a nice Cambodia shirt.it's the simple white and really thin material with a simple design near the neck line in blue,the best shirt he has ever bought me...seriously!

haizz...ok,Mom's calling.I gotta go home.Oh,she's going to Taiwan tommorow,hehehehe....freedom!!!!Bye!

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kung Hei Fatt Choi,Ang Pow na lai!Well,it's new years again.That means...new clothes,new shoes,ang pows,food and holiday!Unfortunately my college only gave us till tomorrow,so my holiday ends tomorrow...sob sob...why la????

Anyway,new years has been okay so far.The usual I go to your house and you come to mine thing...and of course food here and there.I got ang pows..duh!not a lot but,it's ok.I don't gamble so my little fortune is spared.(phew!)I never enjoyed spending new years with my father's side but I really enjoy it with my mother's side.

There's too much history to sort out on my dad's side,but long story short,I just don't like it there.Yesterday,when I went to my grandma's(mom's side),it was packed with people in there that I thought I was in the wrong house.I got ang pows the moment I went in!Then all of us went house hopping...We went to our relatives house just next door and we stuffed her housed full of noisy people.hahahaha....Aunty Irene is the biggest of the cousins my mom has so everyone was begging ang pows from her,and I mean everyone(exclu my grandparents la)!

She was confused because there were seriously too many faces in there and too much noise.She left out me and my youngest uncle.When she finished handing out as she thought she had,she was asking if she left out anyone,when I said I did she didn't believe me.Of course she didn't,everyone was yelling that they were left out too...haiyoo...my crazy family.Mind you the ones who were yelling the loudest were my uncles and aunties.Hahaha...But she did give me one later after dinner.

New years is always crazy over there...my darling brother is however not enjoying this with us.Where is he??He's in Cambodia,tour leading,he sms few times but we didn't really bother.hahaha...he bought me this white tribe costume last year from Kunming and I was supposed to wear it with 2 of my younger cousins but I didn't.Since he's not here to make sure I do,so why bother rite? :p

Oh wait...I left out one piece of good news!My youngest uncle is finally getting married!!!!!!!Everyone is very happy and excited bout it.We were practically interogating him for details and for the planning.He's the youngest and it's been so long since we planned such events so all his sisters(including my mom) are estatic to plan it for their little brother.Seems that I'm gonna be the bride's maid and Ed's the best man.Ivan will be the fellow that opens the door or something,all my younger cousins are gonna be what me n Ed used to be;the little flower girls and paige boys.

I have a long history of being the flower girl,me n Ed were a pair,there was once my mom said there were too many people wanted us to be their flower girl and paige boy that we were rushing from one wedding to another!hahaha....now that is no longer my job.My poor uncle was sitting obediently and letting us interogate him (not like he's got anywhere to run anyway..)Thinking bout this really puts a smile on everyone's face and they are sending my mom over to Taiwan as a representative since she's leaving for it next week.Btw,my uncle's fiance is a Taiwanese.She's really very nice and sweet which makes her the best match we could ever want for our dear uncle to have!

Congrats Uncle Weng!I shall scrape a big ang pow from you on that day!RM 9999.99! HAHAHAHAHA!Happy CNY ppl!

Closure...What does that mean to you???Keeping secrets all to yourself,hiding things from everyone,putting on a mask and let no one know what's really going on;that's closure for me.Everyone wears a mask,it's no unfimiliar fact but sometimes are we really naive enough to think that no one really wears one.

Most of the time,I tend to wear one not because I have any big secrets that the world can't find out but because I don't want to be a 'mood spoiler'.It really ruins others' day when we look so caught up with our own emotions and when we do that we put the ones who are close to us to a unnecessary worry.Sometimes it's really painful and heavy when we bottle up inside but what choice do we have?Seriously,what else could we do about it?

My problems compared to so many others out there is like insignificant but...when your drowning in pain,how sensitive can you be?

I'm always the happy go lucky type as people often say but seriously....you all sure bout that???I'm too talkative and when I see someone looking all sad,I can't help but ask.We're only human rite?Sometimes,they'll tell but most of the time there's always this stop sign there.We can't intrude,it's not our right anyway but sometimes I really wish for once,maybe just once someone did barge in.It will definitely make me feel annoyed and agitated but at the same time the burden is no longer so heavy...it's like when someone finally knows your deepest secret and you tend to feel so much safer with him/her.

It's a delibrate act of trespass but...think about it,when someone knows your deepest pain and was there..you would finally feel like there was a place of comfort,a place to take refuge when those emotions would take us as prisoners again.I can't explain what that feels like when it does happen but so far,for me,that has only happened once.There was a knock on the door to all my sorrow,it was encouraging me to open up and unknowingly...I opened the door.

It was like the gigantic tupperware finally cracked and all it's contents were spilling out without the stop sign anymore.Everything seems to fall in place when I did spill out everything.It's not that I'm encouraging anyone to let others intrude in your personal life...we're not really blind when we do open that door.After all,we are the smartest being on planet earth..

Now that I recall it,it was like a hand that just fished me out of the deepest seas of sorrow.I didn't really bother or cared anymore if I drown in there...I just wanted to indulge in them.I didn't want to break free from it,I couldn't even if I wanted to,the pain is too much to handle.But that hand...it just fished me out,didn't even asked or stopped,it just happened so quickly.When I regained consciousness,I felt light and it was like I woke up from a nightmare.I didn't even know it was a nightmare until I was looking from the other side.

It's funny how we see and analyse things when we are on one side and when we're on the other.It's true when they said the ones who are on the outside can see things much more clearer than the ones inside it.I'm still drowning...so are you,but are we willing to grab that hand extended to us?Are we willing to take away the stop sign?

Are we willing to just continously drown in our sorrows,pain and sadness without even trying to save ourselves???

It's not easy,it never is and never will be...but it's the only clean break.