Sunday, March 30, 2008

Old Friend :)

I went to visit an old friend today. It’s been 7 years since I did. There’s just so much about my life which I really wanted to tell her, even the tiniest detail. Something did separate the both of us and ever since then I didn’t look for her again. I hastily moved on, trying to forget she had meant so much more than a friend but as a dear sister. She’s one of those that can see me through and through. She never fails to know what’s on my mind and she just always knows when I need a hug or a listening ear or even something to cheer me up.

There’s no need to neither say nor emphasize why we parted ways, it’s no longer important anyway. I met her way back when we were kids and have been close to her since then. She was considered my first best friend. Sometimes when I look at her I realize she is always the one that will help me out of sticky situations and even stupid ones but what did I ever do for this friend? Did I ever do something for her before? Was I even accountable for her? Such questions kept swirling in my head. Come to think of it... I don't even have a picture of me and her together. Oh, well... I'll just picture it in my head then.

When I saw her, the tears just suddenly weld up. She sure would whack me on the head and say “Silly! What are you crying about?” In the end, I can’t keep them in any longer and just let it flow out as I spoke. I spent as much time with her as I could and told her as much as I could. She’s the type that would smile and listen to me mumble through my conversation without interruption. I told her about my family, my uncles and aunties on both sides and my grandparents, church, my secondary school years, the two best friends God blessed me with, my UPSR, PMR and SPM results along with all the reactions I had for each, my all so long winded love life, the college I’m studying in and the new and nice friends I’ve made, my youngest uncle getting married and more than anything about myself.

I bet she would have guessed that I’m interested in Psychology and would most probably go for it after my A-Levels. She would most probably either go for engineering or Mas Comm or maybe medicine. In telling her all the good news, I had wanted to skip the bad ones but I did tell her in the end as well. Its funny when I do tell her things like that, it’s like I’m being made fine again. I told her just so much today… even the stupid little arguments I had with my family and with my friends.

She has her way of encouraging me like she always used to last time and one of the things she’ll always tell me is “It’s okay, don’t give up. Sometimes when we try too hard we will only make things worst, so just let things be and somehow it’ll work out. It might take a while but it will work out. It’s okay not to understand why. It’s Daddy’s way of making us grow stronger and wiser. When you feel you don’t know what to do or don’t know what to say just tell Daddy and He’ll help you. Don’t corner yourself because of one mistake or even a lot of mistakes. Don’t always put others before you and worry about them till you forgot about yourself. When we do something wrong just say sorry to Daddy and ask Him to help you to find a way to tell that person sorry as well. Come on, smile… It’s alright. It’s going to be okay… and remember, keep going! Work hard for what you want and never give up.”

She’s always very mature even when she was only 11. Sometimes I wonder if she feels like she’s talking to a kid when she talks to me. Those words never did make much sense to me then as it does now. Despite all the problems and heaviness in me, what she said made me feel lighter and the sense that I can finally put down some of the heavy baggage I carried with me. I did hesitate a lot whether I should visit this old friend but in the end I did and I’m ever so glad for it.

As I walked away from that reunion, I turned back to look at her with a smile. I knew she did smile back at me too… and some part of me knew that she whispered me another encouragement as I went off. It’s truly bitter sweet but I’m really happy that God allowed me this short but sweet reunion. As I walked further and further away I stopped and I looked up at the sky thanking Him for this and everything else but most importantly for this wonderful old friend. Thank you Lord for allowing our paths to have met :)


I’ll miss you…and you’ll always be in my heart, now and forever.



Thursday, March 27, 2008

There are times...

There are times when we wished we knew what to do, we don't know.

There are times when we wished we could turn back, we can't.

There are times when we discover the truth, we are strucked by pain.

There are times when we want to start over, we don't know how to try again.

There are times when we feel useless, we can't do a thing.

There are times when we need to speak up, we are at loss of words.

There are times when we hope we could smile, we put on a mask.

There are times when we want to believe, we loose all hope.

There are times when we wished for some miracle, nothing happens.

There are times when we need to close our eyes, they can't seem to close.

There are times when we stopped dead in our tracks, we can't move on.

There are times when we don't have an answer, we are left to wait.

There are times when we can only watch, we feel pathetic.

There are times when we want to turn away, we can't stop looking back.

There are times when we want to keep running, we loose all energy.

There are times when we want to find, we loose track of it.

There are times when we wished we could be numb, we seem to feel it all.

There are times when we cry, we can't sense anything anymore.

There are times when we can't breathe, we feel the weight all over us.

There are times when we are lost, we can't find our way back.



There are times when all I could do is to keep breathing... what else can I do?

Monday, March 24, 2008

Family

Family. One of the words we learnt to use and say when we are very little. What does the word family really hold in meaning? People that has blood relations with us and people who have similar genes as us. People who live in the same house as us and has been with us ever since day one of our lives. Is that it? Is that all this word holds??

Yesterday during dinner, all of us were actually in a good mood and we're having fun eating steamboat in Times Square. All our topics were just the usual until Uncle Alex commented on my brother(elder) not driving and saying that he left his license to rot in the corner. That started some debate and my dad joined in. It was turned out to be a fierce confrontation between my brother and my dad. My brother and my dad have the exact characteristics... It was as the Chinese saying 'a mixture of oil and water'. It loosely translates to two people not being able to click together.

My dad and my brother since long ago had never been able to be on agreeable terms for a lot topics. Both of them can never loose to the other when it comes to a open confrontation and it was of course something hard to bear for all of us who were there. My mom and I joined in to make peace but it only got worse and end up my brother started crying and Ivan being the youngest couldn't handle all of us. He cried and sobbed silently while patting my elder borther's back. The room was so tense and it was hard to bear. Both of them became very unreasonable and acted so childishly. In the end my dad just stalked out of the room.

My brother can be very defensive and that is what makes my dad so angry at times, my dad on the other hand is unreasonable at times and he hates to loose. I was defending my brother at first because my dad started making unreasonable statements and did not try to understand from my brother's stand point. Then after a while my brother started to speak unreasonably as well which was making everyone uneasy. It was pointless as they kept arguing...

Family... when they fight you still have to stand by them. Though they are wrong or right you'll still be there to support them. As much as we hate things done their way we still stood by them. It's family, right? Blood is thicker than water, though we always fail to agree on everything or fail to understand each other properly, we can't ever turn away from them without a single glance back. When it's getting tense, we hang on in there; when it's becoming unreasonable, we try to make sense; when it's crumbling, we try to mend it and all in all that's what all of us have been trying to do. We try to do something to change things despite we know the possible outcome.

I kept quiet until my dad stalked off. I couldn't stand it so I just sort of told my brother off. My mom was crying even more as she keeps complaining bout the two of them and mostly bout my dad. Ivan just couldn't help but crying while patting my brother's back and mine. I wanted to cry so much as well but I couldn't let myself. I kept thinking that I had to be strong, I have to control myself, I can't breakdown as well. I just kept on holding the tears and after a while the urge to cry stopped. Everyone felt weird sitting in there and the atmosphere was totally ruined.

I hate family confrontations like that cause all of us will be sore for a while and it effects others. I pity Ivan the most, the youngest but caught in the middle of such stupid arguements. It's going to be hard to endure the week with the two looking like that. Goodness, your both adults, think of others before you start stupid fights like that. Lord, please help minister to them and spare all of us from further arguements.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Lost...

Rain...It reminds me of so much.So much memories and little pieces of fragment of the broken puzzle.I look at the pieces I have,I ponder...what does it all add up to?What is it?I look at it and all I can do is give a sigh.I can't make out the picture and I don't have all the right pieces to fit it in.All I could do is but continuously staring at it.

I was sure I had gathered a lot of pieces of broken puzzle but some how things still don't add up.Some pieces hold a very distinct memory in them.Some would bring tears to my eyes,some would bring me laughter.I wish I knew how to make everything fit but I know I can't.Time is needed.Time...how much more I wonder.

All that I'm capable this moment is but looking at it with frustration.I suddenly feel like as if I couldn't have the strength to walk anymore.I just feel so lost and bewildered now.What can I do?Why did it have to be this way?I can't even answer myself anymore.My mind is whirled all around...Nothing makes sense anymore.I'm stranded alone again.Just like how it was....

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

SPM 07'

March 12....hmmm....that rings a bell doesn't it?Oh wait..I know,SPM RESULTS!OMG!Haizz...everyone was freaking out in college the day before and everyone is having negative thoughts about it.The very word SPM freaks all of us to the core.We all went home despite feeling happy that we celebrated Ying's birthday,we couldn't stop worrying and getting anxious.

It was hard to endure the night but I bet it was harder for alot of others who are expected to do well.Thank God my parents were never the ones who would expect anything but the best effort from me.What did I want to get???Well,just 1 A for my English.Other than that,it's up to God.

School was very packed when I reached.I saw my classmates and rushed over to them.I pounced on Andrea as soon as I reached them.She was like"Aiyoo,...which idiot is that!?" She turned and saw me and she immediately pulled me in for a hug.Everyone was scared and all you can hear is wah die la die la....or OMG OMG...hahahaha.But it was fun to be back in school and to see some juniors who are suffering like we did last year.AHAHAHAHA.

Well,the moment of truth...we saw our ex-class teachers walking out with prefects holding boxes of pink folders from the office.They all sat down at respective tables and we all started lining up according to our classes.We all pushed each other to the front and eventually we pushed Jeff all the way to the front first.Then we pushed Andrea.After that we all just went according to the line.When it wsa nearly my turn Jo already messaged,"what u get,what u get???"

Then finally it came to my turn and Pn Noria smiled at me and she asked me to check my details then sign here n there.I was getting so anxious that I was about to snatch the result slip from her.She looked at my results and she handed it to me saying it was okay.I took it and took the folders from the prefect and started furiously counting my As...I called my mom immediately and I did ok.I got results that was average but least expected.I got 6.my mom was shocked and proud.

Well it was obvious that there were some that would cry and some would be rejoicing.I was the with the rejoicing gang.We all exchanged amongst ourselves our results and all of us were quite happy.I went to get Jia Rong's result as she is in MPYO camp.Hahahaha....We're seriously twins.We both got 6 As and so did Jane,that makes us the 3 musketeers!Whee.....I'm happy bout my results because it's so out of my expectations.

Well to celebrate,I went to KLCC with Jane and met up with Jia Rong.It was funny to see the two after a few months.I really missed the two but I felt like as if they never really did leave me.It's like as if they were all the while with me in my heart and they were very much the same.It was funny to chat with them and laugh like the how we used to in school.But all in all I'm proud of us!THE THREE MUSKETEERS!!!!

Unfortunately Jia Rong can only stay for a while and by 2 she had to go for a meeting.So we sent her to MPO and gave her a hug and said goodbye.Well we'll definitely go out again,so it's not the end.May our paths meet again :)

Since it was me and Jane only,Marcus came to join us.We walked about KLCC then we went to Times Square to bowl but the bowling center was over flowing with people,so we went to the arcade first then we went to bowl.It was funny and I'm glad Marcus and JAne actually were okay.They talked and laughed and well we all had fun bowling and playing arcade games.For your information,I'm the worst when it comes to playing arcade games.Hahahahahaha...The two won me by a mile.

Well...it was fun but what touched me the most was when my mom picked me from the train station she brought me to her office and of course I filled her in the details of the entire day's activity.just before we walked through the office door my mom gave me a hug and she said she was proud of me and she said I did well.It was one of those times where I feel like I won the greatest gift on Earth.I walked into my aunt's office and she gave me a hug also which made me feel on top of the world.

Hahahaha...yea,I have a sweet family.Ed and Ivan also gave me a hug la...(under my mom's instruction) My dad came home very early yesterday and he was ok la...he just smiled and teased me as usual.My grandma was very pleased and happy that I got my results without crying.So yesterday was a good day for me.It doesn't matter what I got for SPM,what matters is that I completed another chapter of my life with a smile and I made it through alright.

So,THANK YOU LORD FOR GIVING ME ALL THAT I HAVE!AMEN!!!

Happy Birthday Xin Ying!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Xin Ying!!!!!!!!!Yes today the 12th of March is her birthday.Though we celebrated it yesterday...I shall post the entire surprise plan we came up with.

10th March,

Monday,well went to college as usual. We all were doing a lot of behind the scenes things today. I'll start with the note book we got for Ying which is actually the birthday card or book..what ever you wanna call it. We started passing it around since last Monday and we still haven't finish filling it up.The entire ended ok but with total impatient hearts.Especially me.Of course we all had the problem of who is going to get the cake but in the end Pearly was the one who saved the day and thank God for that!Thank You Pearly and thank you so much uncle and aunty!

11th March,
Tuesday,OMG today's the day!Ok,I got up the car with two big bags of things;one is my clothes for basketball today and then other was Ying's birthday present.I got her a bear from Lovely Lace and it is in a sleeping posture.So cute la!!!!When I reached college it was about 8:10 or so which was good cause Ying has class at that hour.hehehehehe...

I went into the lounge and Marcus was laughing a lot when he saw me holding that big plastic bag from Lovely Lace.Ok,he was actually laughing alot because of the way I was hiding it in the cupboard.Mind you it was not easy trying to keep it there ok.First mission accomplished!Then went to eat my breakfast with Marcus.

At 11,I ran to the lounge and met up with Jo.We both nearly ran out to 7 eleven to get paper plates as the clock was ticking.We rushed backed tot the college and got the cake from the canteen which Pearly and Marcus had sucessfully stashed it in the fridge.Then we went back to the lounge and set up the place a little.We were all prepared then at 11:58 or so....I saw a fimiliar figure walking in and all I could manage to say was S***!Ying came in and she finally noticed the cake.OMG!!!!!!!!!

Then Ying went to the toilet and we all were whacking Krystal for failing to distract Ying and keep her on the third floor.Oh well,nothing she could have done to stop Ying anyway.So we made Ying sit ion the couch with the cake in front of her and we waited for a while and everyone else came running in from their classes.So the surprise was spoiled a bit but it was ok I think.

Ying was genuinely surprised because we all planned it behind her back so well leaving her without suspicion.HAHAHAHAHA!She kept asking us "when you all did this?" as she read all the messages inside the book.She was showered with gifts and yup she loved them.Let's see...she got a bear from me, a dog from Yoong Jie,Krystal and Kai Li, a t-shirt (from Ed&Ed)that has the word ANGEL from me,Marcus,Jo and Pearly and a MU shirt (from Niki) from Jo and her brothers. (btw,Jo is Ying's elder cousin sister..)

The day ended with me,Jo,Ying,Marcus,Cassandra,Joseph and Jee Wen in 7 eleven eating Maggi Mee.It was kinda cozy cause it was drizzling outside.Ahhh....the best meal with friends..HAhaha...Well,the planning was okay and we hope you enjoyed yourself Ying!HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!

Friday, March 7, 2008

10,000 BC

Whee.... The movie was good! Some parts are scary but it was okay. There were some hilarious parts too! The main casts are Steven Strait, Camilla Belle and Cliff Curtis. Steven Strait is so HOT!!!!!!!!!! He looks super hot, I think he would look better as Edward Cullen than Robert Pattinson.

There were 13 of us when we went to watch it. It was fun watching a movie with everyone, but I always find it's hard to cope with so many people all at once. Like when we had to move from one place to another it was hard and gathering everyone together was also hard, that's why I prefer a smaller group. Any how today was a blast! Thanks people!

The movie obviously had some killing parts which was sorta disgusting for me so I kept hiding under my jacket when I see any scenes coming. Hahahahaha....Marcus and Krystal laughed everytime I did that. But it was sweet that the ending was a happy one or else it would be really ruined. Ah....... STEVEN STRAIT IS HOT!!!!!!!!! Yes ying, you have very good taste.

Ok, gotta go start doing my Literature assignments. Bye...

Waiting

I stood and I looked at you,
But you just turned away,
I stood there waiting and waiting,
But you wouldn't come...

The moment I knew..
I knew you won't come,
I had to cry,
I had to sigh,
I had to just close my eyes,

All this pain,
All this frustration,
Can you not know what it is?
Can you just keep walking away?

When you turned from me,
I couldn't comprehend,
I didn't understand,
I could not grasp,
I couldn't grasp why you did what you did...

Here I am,
Here I am again..
Still waiting for you,
Waiting for the moment you would appear

With hope,
With faith,
I truly prayed that you'd come,
I wanted to believe you would...

Seconds has passed...
Minutes has come and gone...
All I did was just waiting and waiting...
Waiting for this heart ache to end..

The clock went ticking by,
The time went flying away,
The sorrow is still here,
The ache is still here,
I am still waiting here....


Don't mind me,this is random but it's something left in me that I wanna get it out..

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Hey there bloggy!Hmm...nowadays my blog is totally about random stuff only.Never mind la,it makes it so me...hahahahaha

Haizz..so fast it's already March,things that we dread and things we have to decide are all coming up.Soon?Yes,it is but it'll come sooner or later so come what may.For one,SPM results are coming out,something much dreaded but at the same time much anticipated.Everyone is getting anxious as hours past and as the day slowly dies,we're getting nearer and nearer.Am I prepared?Truth be told,nope,not at all!But then again,what is there to prepare for?Once we stepped into the exam hall and took the exam,it was pretty much settled and decided.

I can't believe till this moment that I had actually completed my secondary school studies.It's so surreal I'm begining to feel I'm in a trance or some dream.More over,I'm already in college,the far away place where we could only dream of being but never reaching but look where we're at now.With the results coming out nearly everyone is trying to get a scholarship or to push theirs to get a higher one.I got a 25% scholarship and of course I want to upgrade it too but haizz...it seems hard to do.I need 6 A1s if I want a 50% scholarship...dear me,that is very impossible to reach.

But at least I got a 25% already,all I have to do is keep my grades up now.Hahahaha...I failed my econs test the other day!hahahaha....Goodness,Oh Lord help me!It's wednesday today and on wednesdays I have no class until 12:30!HAhaha...but I still reach college at 7:40 or so cause I follow my dad(the only driver in house) So I am now waiting for darling Jo, Ying and Marcus to finish class to go for lunch...I'm gonna turn into a pig soon!What to do...I love to eat.

Okay,one last update before I go..I got this e-mail from a guy named Kenneth Loh which I doubt is his real name or even his real e-mail add.He is from my college but he would not tell who he is.He sent me an e-mail,no worries it's not the threat type it's very gentlemen of him though.Hahahaha...shall not go into details but whoever you are..what do you really want from me?What is it that made you send me that e-mail?