Uncertainty

Been spending 3 days at the hospital. It's a monday but I'm not in college. It's a monday and I'm sittting in the waiting area outside the ICU staring at the laptop and at the large wooden door.sigh... I'm too free.

Well, getting back to more serious matter. Grandma just did her angiogram and the doctor informed us that the right side of her heart (where the heart attack happened) has a minor blockage and the left side of her heart has blockages in the arteries.

Long story short, a simple angioplasty procedure won't be helping a bit. The only other way to clear the blockages was a by-pass operation. However the doctor said that the operation is unsuitable at my grandma's age. She's old and the risk is higher. The only option which is safer, is to try to control things with meds. If meds don't work.. then we'll decide if the op should be done.

Then only it occured to me, either way, there'll be a risk. The 'if(s)' started popping. If she took the op, the risk is too high, she may be worse off, if she took the meds, in due course, it will slowly be uneffective and she'll have to do the op anyway.

sigh..the thing about choices. It makes you even more uncertain than having no choice at all. Would people feel less uncertain if they didn't have to choose? After all, it's a huge leap of faith to choose.

Having only one option makes us feel it's pushed on us and it's unfair but.. knowing that you can only go down one path, it makes us feel less guilty or burdened than having to choose between two or several paths. Choices.. sometimes I think it makes us so unsure, so uncertain, so confused. Sometimes I think it even makes us feel like we're doing everything wrong.

Have you ever stood still wondering what would everything have been like if you went for the other option?

I have.

Have you ever thought about the possibilities of the rights versus the wrongs if we had chose the other option?

I have.

Have you ever stopped dead in your tracks thinking and thinking what the best choice would be until you stopped knowing anymore what is 'the best choice'??

I have.. and I am going through it.

Well... so is everyone else in the world.

Hmm.. Choices, would you want them or not?? Well, I have no idea myself. You?

Wake up call

Mom shook me up at 6 plus. I wasn't exactly pleased with it but something grave reached my ears and it sent shocks through my body as I take in the words slowly.


"Grandma is in ICU. She had a..... HEART ATTACK"


What? Your joking right? Grandma is the healthiest person I know. She hasn't been warded into a hospital since child birth! She never fell ill.. I never once in my life associated the word sick or ill with my grandma. Never. Not even once.

As hard as it was, we took in the news. Mom and Ed hurried out of the house while I stayed home with Ivan. I felt so unsure and confused. I was scared. I was really shaking. The only thing I knew to do was to pray. I grabbed my phone and sent a prayer request to everyone. The hours were hard to pass but mom called and said, grandma was ok. Not fully stable but she's ok.

As I took that in, my heart stopped it's wild thudding. The sms(s) and calls that came in comforted me and encouraged me and made the hours bearable. Grandpa was right, it was a wake up call for all of us. Grandma is getting old and she's only human, we've been taking her health for granted all these years. We failed to realize that she's as fragile as anyone of us.

This shocked our family and it was really a slap across the face. Well, she still has to stay in ICU for 2 days until she gets the angiogram done on Monday. Then, we'll have to be ready to face with the obstacle ahead.

Will update later. Thanks for your prayers people. :) Please continue to pray with us. Thank you.

Do you dare?

Rock climbing was awesome yesterday! I enjoyed myself and had tonnes of fun! Who knew I could do it. The moment we stepped into Camp 5, I was awed. The way the really pro climbers climbed up the wall was another jaw drop moment. I felt a little lost at first but it was comforting to have 8 others with me. :)

Looking at the wall, it made me feel like I can't do it. Are you insane? Me? Up there? Yet, I tried shamelessly. :) I enjoy it so much now! If only we can tell ourselves and convince ourselves to just TRY, we may discover that we are capable of do something we never knew we could. Trying gives us room to experience something new and different.

Looking at the photos Daryl (our ever ready photographer :D) took, it reminded me that there is such a sentence, "All things are possible." Like how Rachel said she's too afraid to venture to climb another wall, she still did it in the end. :) If we dare to try, we can really do something more than what we expect.

There's this thrill and excitement I felt as I climbed up. It's like how UA Fanthorpe described hang-gliding. It's like experiencing a miracle. No kidding. Doing something like this makes me feel so pumped up. Well, rock climbing is a healthy sport after all. Think I found a good source of motivation. :) I'm so going for rock climbing again! =D

Since there's too many funny and good photos from the album, I can't single any out nor upload everything. So you can cheack out the album on Facebook. :)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=275835&id=567510583&l=95990098b8

MCKL is closed till what!!!!??????

Was on facebook and I read Yu Wern's update saying that college will be closed till 1st July.

Shucks.. and they do this after we left. But oh well.. ;p We're on a long holiday ourselves. :) It's not a joke! Those who still has to study there (;p) you can call the marketing department to confirm. Reason : I have no idea. I'm helping to spread the news only..

Conquering New Heights! =D

I'M ROCK CLIMBING TOMORROW!!!! XD XD

I'm scared but excited! Yeap! ahahahaha!!! My right hand is sore from from the 2 hours of badminton yesterday with Bryan and dad. Hope I won't fall off halfway up. ;p

I'm being a law student or trying to be one.. Ms Mel asked me to print the 'Waiver and Release of Liability' form. The first thing I did was to read and point out any clauses which should not be there or not legally enforced. s2(1) of The Unfair Contract Terms, 1977; no exclusion of liability of death or personal injury caused by his or her(operator/service provider/etc) negligence.

Ok, that part of the form is okay. Since we are to sign it..it'll be incorporated into the contract so we are hereby bound by all clauses. As in case of L'Estrange v Graucob. Then we have to look at the construction of the clause. Under the Contra Preferentem Rule, the contract shall be hostile to ambiguities. If the wording of the clause is not specific, then the party which seeks to rely on the clause will find that the clause shall be interpreted against them. So this part is also okay.. Okay then.. We can all sign it. ;P

Hey..it helps to know some law that is useful in life k?hahaha!!!

ROCK CLIMBING!!!!!!! :) :)

I Love My Dad =)

My dad said something that made me feel like crying. :) Oh yeah... Happy Father's Day dad! =)

Over lunch yesterday, my aunt asked where I'll be headed next after A-Levels. I've been asked this countless times and all I could do is smile and give an answer.. a very uncertain answer. I've been wanting to go into Psychology for as long as I could remember but.. where will I end up after that? What jobs will I get? Where can I get them?

Then my mom said that it's wise to do a double degree because Psychology on its own is not strong enough and I won't go far with just that only. So I've been thinking bout Marketing and Psych or Mass Comm and Psych. But Ed doesn't agree.. Well, not that he's being a mean brother, he's just trying to make sure I make the right decision but I can't say I wasn't hurt by what he said.

Ed tells me that Psych and Mass Comm won't get me far and it's not good enough to just study them knowing it won't pay the bills. I agree but what made me feel so discouraged and bogged down is the way he looked at me. His look tells me that I'm making the worst decision of my life. At that, I felt like I was no longer sure of anything at all.

I felt like I got kicked from one point to the lowest pit there is. All I could say at that moment was for everyone to give me some time to figure things out and let me look into things. That was not a jump-with-joy day cause well.. it really feels horrible to be standing exactly where I'm at, NO WHERE.

Then today, Dad.. :) My dad, just picked me up from the pit I fell in, dusted off the dirt on me and gave me really encouraging pat on the back. Over lunch today, everyone (yes..everyone, including my aunts and uncles and little cousins) were talking about MY FUTURE (again). My dad surprised me. Utterly!

"Carmen, do you want to know my opinion?"

"Sure.."

"It's not important to me what course your going to study. The important thing is that your doing something you'll like and you'll enjoy."

I had to smile at this..

"Many people study one thing, and they'll end up doing something really different. The important thing is to have common sense (or common dollars as he calls it) when you work and learn from others and gain experience. Don't be influenced by what other people say. So what if no one approves of what you study. Don't listen to anyone, not your mother, not your brother, not even me! Do what you really want, because it's your life. You'll face it, not us. If you force yourself to do something you don't like, you'll be the one suffering in the end. Studying is never a waste."

At this point, I was trying so hard not cry

"What's the use if you listen to us and do something you won't like. Believe in yourself. I won't tell you what to choose because your old enough to decide on your own. Go apply whatever you want. Overseas, local, anywhere. Just keep your options open. Get whatever you can and we'll see how we can make ends meet."

"But it's expensive to go overseas.. the cheapest I found was RM 80, 000 plus in Australia."

"That's negotiable.." he smiled.. "Just do something you'll enjoy and that's good enough for me.."

I always wanted the kind of father in the movies. The ones that'll be around when I fall, the ones who'll be the first to reach at my door step if anything happens, the ones who'll help me out regardless how stupid a thing I'd done or how unreasonable I can be, the ones who'll teach me everything.. right down to being me, the ones who'll talk to me about life and share his experiences with me, the ones who would tell me to follow my dreams and to do something I'll like.. the ones who'd watch over me no matter where I am, no matter how old I am and no matter how distant I'd be from him in the future.

Want? I already have him! My dad continues to amaze me each day. He's really an awesome dad.. :) The best there ever is. :) Love you dad! You couldn't have been a better one that you already are..

Stepping out..

I'm stepping out.. I'm stepping out of the door. I took a final look at everything for what maybe the last time; smiled, said goodbye and let it close behind me as I reached for the door in front of me.

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7:57.. 7:58.. 7:59... 8:00! I'm done! I'm REALLY DONE!!! The last paper (law 2) was really hard and unexpected but.. I can't be bothered to be depressed about it. It's my last day as a student in MCKL and it feels great! The 6 weeks I struggled for my finals are finally behind me. Sad? Your kidding! We practically leaped with joy the moment the invigilator said in her warm voice, "You may go.."

Then it suddenly occured to me.. I'm closing this door, wow.. er.. so what's suppose to happen next? My thoughts were jumbled up, I couldn't make out what I was feeling but as I walked out and away from the college grounds, I felt God brought me on a short journey back in time.

As I was walking I was glad dad didn't pick me, taking the train and going home the way I had done for this past 1.5 years was a little gift from God. :) It was a proper closure to this chapter as it allowed me to experience every inch of it for one last time..

There were so many flash backs going through my mind. My first day.. my first class.. my first book.. my first taste of the canteen food.. my first friend (Wen Jo).. my first everything! Faces were popping out in my mind as I recall their voice, the way I met them and the way they had touched my life and the way they enriched it in different ways.

As the monorail pulled away.. I glanced up looking at 'Kolej Methodist' disappear from my view. Bye..was the only thing I could say, the exact moment I put on my ear phones and the song Freedom Is Here played on my ipod. Coincidence?

Walking out of the monorail at Hang Tuah and changing to Star line was another nostalgic moment.. I couldn't help remembering everything I had done in college thus far. The books I've read, the lecturers I've met, the friends I've made and the memories I had since day 1. I think I was smiling to myself the entire journey feeling touched and awed. Though I probably looked weird to other people. ;P

A tiring and yet happy day. It was one of those days which I'll mark as one of 'the happiest day of my life'. Thank you Lord for giving me this day to thank you once again for all that has been blessed unto me. :)

Soon..

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love

When I see Him,
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I'll be going to the place
He has prepared for me
Then my sin erased, my shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon...

Landmarks or Land Mines?

Heard this on the radio the other day. "There will be things in our lives that will form the landmark which will affect us forever. What we do and what we went through will be the very core of it. However, the question is, are those our landmarks or land mines?"


"What you (parents,friends, family, etc) do will pose as a huge part of their lives. You either break them or make them." Suddenly it occured to me that human beings are having too much power in them. Imagine to have the power to influence someone so greatly that you can make or break them. It's like holding someone's life in your hands. One word.. all it takes is just one word and that person maybe cast from the highest point to the lowest pit of the earth.


I remember there is a song we used to sing in children church, "Don't say something that isn't nice,better listen to this advice... you can really hurt someone, so keep your lips together and SHHH!!!" We used to think it's funny singing this song and doing it accompanied with actions.


But think about it. How much words can really hurt.. I remember another time where I ran home crying because of what all my friends said. I was 13.. taller than most of them, but nothing could stop me from crying. That is a land mine now. A piece of land that blew up long ago.. and the hole it left behind never did disappear.


There's just countless cases of people being affected out there. Some are so mentally scared. I know a guy, people said he was a real gem and a loveable boy. Until his father changed that. He became a drug addict.. now? He's in rehab, fighting for his life to change, to change what he became all because of his father's carelessness. Just because of that careless sentence, "Your a piece of useless garbage! Your better out on the street like those drug addicts!" You must be wondering why his father said that.. The father came home from a rough day of work and he came home to a bad report card. It slipped.. just like that. Scary isn't it?


Sensitive.. we're all humans after all. We can be really frail creatures. It takes less than a punch to break us sometimes and when some words just hits the weak point.. we fall, we break, it becomes our land mine. It makes us grow when we brace through such 'storms', true. Going through it makes us tougher and sometimes, it takes a fall and a break to make us learn but sometimes.. how sure are we that the person we break can really ever recover? How sure that the break will make them grow stronger? or will it just make them fall from unimaginable heights?


Cautious.. be all so very cautious of how we affect the lives of others. Don't create more land mines, instead make it a landmark. God didn't give us a mouth to harm. :)

crash and burn

Another week ended. *wipes sweat*

Just 3 more papers left. I can smell freedom around the corner but I'll have to live through next week first. 2 law papers and lit 6. All essays... a total of 10 essays to write. Goodbye my good righty. I feel your pain... well my pain that is.

I crashed and burned with Econs 6 today. Buried alive with it. I didn't get to finish paper. I lost about what 18 to 22 marks? Sigh... the worst part is, I know how to answer the questions, I just don't have TIME!!! masa no cukup.. feeling a little depressed. Hope this doesn't foreshadow the outcome of my 3 other papers.. LORD HELP ME!!

Have a good laugh =D

WARNING!!!



Really funny/hilarious/roar with laughter/insanely humurous/crazy/whack-chop/mad video ahead.

(not for those who have 'sensitive' stomachs) ;)



p/s: have a real good laugh! I know I did! XD XD XD

THIS IS THE FUNNIEST!!!!!

I'M SO BORED AND I DON'T HAVE A LIFE!!!!

The title says it all... X_X

13 days more!!!

Turn To Stone by Ingrid Michaelson

This is another song I added into my future 'wedding song playlist' :)

Ingrid Michaelson has composed yet another wonderful song. This is from one of the latest Grey's Anatomy episode. Enjoy! :)