Monday, June 29, 2009

Uncertainty

Been spending 3 days at the hospital. It's a monday but I'm not in college. It's a monday and I'm sittting in the waiting area outside the ICU staring at the laptop and at the large wooden door.sigh... I'm too free.

Well, getting back to more serious matter. Grandma just did her angiogram and the doctor informed us that the right side of her heart (where the heart attack happened) has a minor blockage and the left side of her heart has blockages in the arteries.

Long story short, a simple angioplasty procedure won't be helping a bit. The only other way to clear the blockages was a by-pass operation. However the doctor said that the operation is unsuitable at my grandma's age. She's old and the risk is higher. The only option which is safer, is to try to control things with meds. If meds don't work.. then we'll decide if the op should be done.

Then only it occured to me, either way, there'll be a risk. The 'if(s)' started popping. If she took the op, the risk is too high, she may be worse off, if she took the meds, in due course, it will slowly be uneffective and she'll have to do the op anyway.

sigh..the thing about choices. It makes you even more uncertain than having no choice at all. Would people feel less uncertain if they didn't have to choose? After all, it's a huge leap of faith to choose.

Having only one option makes us feel it's pushed on us and it's unfair but.. knowing that you can only go down one path, it makes us feel less guilty or burdened than having to choose between two or several paths. Choices.. sometimes I think it makes us so unsure, so uncertain, so confused. Sometimes I think it even makes us feel like we're doing everything wrong.


Have you ever stood still wondering what would everything have been like if you went for the other option?
I have.

Have you ever thought about the possibilities of the rights versus the wrongs if we had chose the other option?
I have.

Have you ever stopped dead in your tracks thinking and thinking what the best choice would be until you stopped knowing anymore what is 'the best choice'??
I have.. and I am going through it.
Well... so is everyone else in the world.


Hmm.. Choices, would you want them or not?? Well, I have no idea myself. You?

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